: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
