people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
