he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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