Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
