so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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