Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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