why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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