his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
