I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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