im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
