I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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