Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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