Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
