I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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