My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
