I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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