I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
