she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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