the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The beer is more important than you right now.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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