I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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