So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
