when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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