Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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