At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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