Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
