I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
