I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
