Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
