I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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