wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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