do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
