id be glad to
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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