i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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