Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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