They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize