a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
