She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
