Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
