Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize