Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
