This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
