And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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