I'm gonna have a badass scar
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
