can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
