made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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