I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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