I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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