Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
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