Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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