I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
