did you get engaged???
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
