Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
