My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
