Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
