He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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