i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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