Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
