I'm pants shitting drunk right now
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
