I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
