My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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