I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
